Grief comes in waves.

It has probably been a few months now since Dharma has passed. I am reminded of him every day as I have him on two of my desktop screensavers. In fact as I look to my left there he is. Sometimes it still does not feel real that he is not around. Just making my bed this morning and I went round to the side where he normally sleeps, and it triggered me to cry.

Grief is a very interesting thing. It just hits at any time, times of happiness or times of busyness. It just hits. I find it happens a lot in times when I was enjoying myself sitting out the back in the sun. He used to sit with me there. Or when I would lie on the lounge room floor watching Netflix. He used to sit with me there. Or even when I am having a bath. He used to come in and check I was still around. It’s the small moments and I guess I took some of them for granted and how much joy they gave me. Simply just to be with my dog. I felt like I had the world within me.

I love living here in the country. I feel blessed to have a beautiful house here. The house does feel empty though of late. It’s not like I get lonely or anything like that, I like my own company. I guess I do miss the pitter patter of his feet when I was moving from room to room and the joy he gave me.

Some days I go to the shrine I have made for Buddy and Dharma and just hold them close and cry. It’s really healing. It’s like I can have these bursts of tears, but then I move on and I am okay once more.

Isn’t it funny that when someone close to you dies, whether that be an animal or a person, you begin to reflect on other people have who have passed on earlier in your life. Does that happen to you? I think of both of my grandparents. I think of friends that have passed too early. I think of my cousin who only just passed over the past week. 34 years old. Gone too soon.

I also wonder about heaven. When I was younger I was convinced there was heaven. Now I struggle with the concept. I am not saying there isn’t one, I really hope there is. But after reading various religious texts where everyone thinks that their text is right, I truly don’t know. I was reflecting on Einstein’s quote this morning where he said “everything is energy.” This gave me hope because I realised that we can’t just make energy disappear. That even if Dharma is energy, it no longer the same as what it was, it is still around. It might have just changed form, that’s all. This gives me hope.

It seems to be the not knowing that is the most difficult part of letting go when someone dies. Can they see us? Could it be that dharma is with me right now sitting beside my chair as I write these words to you? I guess we truly won’t know until we come to that day when we pass over. But then again who is to say that we haven’t already passed over before? Again and again and again?

Interestingly, I’m not afraid of death myself. In fact I’ve already seen myself the way I am going to die – in a chair out in the sun. Very much at peace and grateful for the beautiful life I’ve been blessed with.

Our time is short. Let’s make every day count and go with as much love in our heart as we can muster.